***Most of our blog is a collection of photos from our adventures and daily life with little spurts of commentary here and there. Today, I’m going to pretend that I’m a writer instead of a photographer and try to explain a little about my recent #projectselfcare weekend in Austin. This is my attempt to be real. To be authentic. To be vulnerable. Get ready for some real talk…
This year I have been trying to get better about making time for myself because most of the time I put self care on the back burner. Between homeschooling, keeping 3 tiny humans alive, and a house afloat, I have so many things that have to get done each day, that sometimes squeezing in a few moments for myself seems impossible. But the crappy part is that if I DON’T find time for myself, my mental health suffers. A lot. Then I become the yelling, nagging, cranky person that I don’t want to be. And I’ve found that my kids often mirror my moods. If I’m in a place where I’m calm and connected, they are more calm and connected– or at least more easily guided back to a happy place when arguments break out. If I’m anxiety ridden, stressed out, and yelling… then they are the same. It’s amazing, really. My energy affects their energy. Sometimes when I don’t like how the kids are acting, I will just look at how I’ve been acting… and then feel awful, fall into a shame spiral, and feel immense amounts of mom-guilt. Ugh.
So, in an effort to keep myself from shame spiraling, mom-guilting, and acting like a cranky asshole, I’ve been trying really hard to implement a daily self care routine. One of the components to my routine is yoga. Because yoga is amazing. And yoga is even more amazing when you do it with Adriene. If you aren’t familiar, please go to YouTube right now and check her out: Yoga with Adriene. Do it.
I have been doing yoga on and off since Logan was born. I had done yoga before he was born, but it was the workout kind of yoga, which is fine, but it’s not what I was seeking. When Logue was a tiny guy, I found a small Mommy and Me class that was way more spiritual and less ‘let’s work on our abs’ which really intrigued me. I never knew this side of yoga. I guess, I never knew actual yoga. Just the bastardized version of it peddled in gyms. Then I stumbled across the Yoga with Adriene page on YT and it all clicked. THIS is what yoga should be. THIS is what I had been seeking all along! The mindfulness, the connection, the emphasis on self love…. I was hooked!!
I’ve done yoga with her on and off since I discovered her channel but this is the year I’ve been trying harder to cultivate a daily practice. Even if it’s just a minute or two on the mat, I’m trying harder to make it there each day. Some days that looks like a full practice following a longer video with some meditation thrown in at the end. And some days it looks like crying in corpse pose. True story, haha.
A month or so ago I saw that Adriene was doing a community yoga event down in Austin (where she lives) and made plans with a friend to go together. It was going to be a fun friend weekend catching up with one of my favorite people who I don’t get to see very often. Unfortunately, those plans fell through and I almost canceled the trip completely, but then I had a realization. I had never spent the night away from home by myself. I had never spent the night away from Lorelei and had only spent the night away from the boys a couple of times. In fact, the last time Chris and I were away from the boys was when I was pregnant with Lorelei and we shot a wedding down in Austin. That was a long time ago! After some encouragement from Chris, I decided to go alone. All. By. Myself. And let me tell you, for someone who rarely gets alone time… the idea was a bit overwhelming, but also exciting. And so #projectselfcare was born.
On Saturday I loaded myself up–packing for one felt SO weird– and hit the road. I listened to Ready Player One the entire way. (You should totally check it out; Will Wheaton is an amazing narrator!) When I arrived in Austin, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I also discovered that I talk to myself, haha. Which is probably just a product of being around children 24/7. There’s literally always someone around to talk to and narrate life to… and without the children, I just keep on narrating and chatting. I decided to visit a foot spa for a massage and grabbed some Indian take out to enjoy at the hotel while I binge watched The Handmaid’s Tale in the king sized bed. My perfect evening.
The next morning I headed into downtown Austin for the yoga event. I was nervous to go by myself and felt out of place and awkward. Like I wasn’t cool enough to be there. Like my yoga skills would be lacking. Like I was too old/out of shape/uncool/etc etc etc etc. “Leave now,” my brain screamed! My inner critic sure is an asshole. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to it.
Yoga was wonderful. There were all levels. All shapes and sizes. All ages and genders. The energy in the room magical. Palpable. I can’t even fully put into words how I was feeling while on my mat. Peaceful. At ease. My mind didn’t try to wander away. To fret about the future or replay situations from the past. It was quiet for once. Focusing on all the sights, sounds, feelings…my own breath. Mindful. Without judgement. With love. And positivity. It was amazing. And perfect.
And then after the practice, I had the chance to wander around and visit the booths that were set up. There were free samples of cold brew and kombucha, some essential oils, and YWA merch. I got myself a tote bag and a t-shirt that says, ‘Find What Feels Good’. Then I noticed a line forming for people to meet Adriene. I almost didn’t get in the line. My brain told me that I needed to get home. That I had things to do. “What are you going to say to her anyway??” The critic started up again. I ignored it and got in that line and felt like I was going to cry and barf all at the same time. I started trying to figure out what I was going to say and then decided that I would stick with just saying thank you. Thank you for creating the YWA channel and sharing your teachings with the world. Thank you for helping me with PP anxiety and depression. Thank you for teaching me how to love myself, cause after 35 years of living in this body, it’s about damn time that I learned. Just… thank you.
While I was waiting and thinking about what to say, I started to feel ALL the feels and got really emotional. So when it was my turn to visit with her, I just burst into tears. The first words out of my mouth were something along the lines of, “Wow, sorry about this. I’m an idiot!” She immediately hugged me and told me that I’m not an idiot. That I’m a beautiful person and getting emotional is totally understandable. The only words I could get out were thank you. And my name… I think. I’ve never been so emotional and unable to control it ever. It was a little embarrassing because the tears just wouldn’t stop (which is so strange because I’m not usually a crier). She hugged me probably 5 times and then we took a picture together.
What an amazing weekend! It has definitely inspired me to make sure that I’m making time for #projectselfcare each and every day. And to try to figure out how to go to more of Adriene’s community events! Maybe we should just move to Austin.
💜💜💜