I did it. I freaking did it!! I got the birth I wanted. I got the birth that I NEEDED! Let’s rewind a bit…

When I became pregnant with Atticus and started thinking about what I wanted for his birth, I had a chance to further process Logan’s birth and my experience. Don’t get me wrong… I loved Logan’s birth. I walked away from it feeling very empowered and proud of myself. But I knew that I could have done better. There were several things that I would have changed. I would have trusted my body to go into labor on its own and not have cared if he were born on Christmas. I would have declined any interventions. I would have calmed down and not been such a basket case. I would have hired a doula! During Logan’s actual birth, our birth assistant Patty stepped in and filled a bit of the doula role, especially during transition. I will love her forever for this moment and helping me see that I could do it:

|Love me some Patty!|
(This amazing moment captured by Amy Barry Photography.)

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So, with this knowledge we set forth to find a doula. We wound up going with our friend Veronica Jessen of Blissful Birth Services. We knew each other from our circle of Mommy friends. I felt comfortable with her and knew that she would not be offended by my potty mouth and Chris’ strange sense of humor. I can truly say that Atticus’ birth would not have turned out the way it did without her. I love her. <3

We wanted to have a home birth this time around, but it wasn’t in the budget. So, we decided to stick with the birth center that we used for Logan’s birth. Inanna is very special to us and we love all of the midwives who work there. Plus, I knew that they could handle my crazy foul mouth and the ridiculous stuff that I say when I’m in labor… ha! When we started going to our appointments, we found out that our birth assistant from Logan’s birth, Patty, was working on her midwifery certification. We requested that she be our ‘midwife’ (with oversight from the CNM’s since she was still in training). My perfect birth team had been assembled.

With the help of my doula and midwife, we started making our birth plan. This time around, I wanted to go into labor on my own. We didn’t technically induce with Logan, but we got things started with membrane stripping and pumping/walking… but then had to have some interventions to keep things going, like breaking my water, manual cervical dilation, etc. I didn’t want any of those things this time around. I wanted to see what my body would do when left to its own devices. I wanted us to be able to labor at home for as long as possible. I also wanted to attempt a water birth and to catch the baby myself. Seriously… in my head my perfect birth for this baby looked like this: Go into labor. Labor at home with Chris, the doula, and photographer until transition. Head to birth center, walk in, get in tub and push baby out. Done.

Atticus’ due date was October 13th but I had been having some crazy Braxton Hicks for weeks before the actual birth. So much so that I thought that he was going to make his appearance early. .. HA! On Monday, October 7th I lost my first bit of mucus plug and had consistent contractions all day long. I did squats while I was contracting to try to help bring baby down. By bedtime, everything had fizzled out. Talk about feeling frustrated. The following Saturday (the day before his due date) the same thing happened. Contractions all day long coming consistently and more plug lost. And again, they fizzled out by bedtime. I spent his actual due date in a foul mood. I had no contractions. I lost no mucus plug. Everything just stopped. I was feeling very frustrated and discouraged. In an attempt to stop focusing so much on the contractions and the ‘when is this actually going to happen’ I started taking daily belly photos. Those can be seen and read about HERE.

On Friday October 18th, I had an appointment at Inanna. I decided to finally ask Patty to check me. I had been declining all cervical checks because I felt like the information was useless and would just wind up stressing me out. I got checked during my pregnancy with Logan starting at 38 weeks and was at 2 cms for several weeks before he was even born. Obviously dilation doesn’t really give any indication when you will go into labor. But since I was nearing a full week past my due date and had been having full days of consistent contractions, I was curious to see if my body was actually making progress. She checked and I was dilated to a 3 and could be easily stretched to a 4. I was 70% effaced and baby was at -1 station. Hooray! Things were happening! We also had a Non Stress Test and a Biophysical Profile completed to check in on the little one. He looked great!

The following day I lost more mucus plug and had consistent contractions that fizzled out by the evening. This game was becoming really old. Veronica kept reminding me that I was just getting ‘free centimeters’ but it was still very frustrating. We went to dinner that evening at Chris’ parents’ house. After dinner I went to the restroom and discovered that I lost a tiny bit of blood tinged mucus plug. Who knew that I’d get so excited about something that looked like a bloody booger!

The next morning (Sunday the 20th) I woke to more bloody show and more contractions. Woo hoo! I also had a date with Veronica and Megan to eat brunch. (And on a side note, Hannah’s in Denton is freaking to. die. for. Thanks girls for introducing me to the deliciousness!)  After brunch, Veronica decided that she would come to our house and hang out. We thought (hoped!) that the contractions would pick up and intensify and that I might go into labor. Especially since I was having bloody show. I continued to have contractions all throughout the day. We went walking. I bounced on the birth ball. We rebozoed. I bounced some more. We went grocery shopping and walked aimlessly around Target. The contractions never became any more intense so we decided that Veronica should go home because it was obvious that nothing was going to happen.

I was pissed. Discouraged. Sad. So very sad. We ordered a pizza and I drank a beer (we were out of wine). I took a bath and had some alone time with my belly and the tiny baby who was refusing to come out and meet me. I took this video of him moving around. His movements were so intense that night. It felt like he was going to break through my belly.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD_gAo3Bsg8&w=420&h=315]

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I went to sleep early that night. Partly from exhaustion. Mostly from the sheer frustration I was feeling. We were officially 41 weeks. I had one week left to go into labor on my own before we had to start talking about doing something to help him along. The doctors who oversee the birth center will only let you go to 42 weeks in most cases. Patty and Veronica were both assuring me that we would not make it to 42 weeks, but I was still worried. I should have stopped worrying and just listened to them.

So, the night of Sunday, October 20th, I went to sleep at 9 not knowing that it was the last night I would go to sleep pregnant. I was woken at midnight on the dot by a twinge in my belly. This felt different. This wasn’t like the contractions that I had been having for weeks that were just a tightening without any pain. It also wasn’t like the contractions I felt when I was in labor with Logan. This felt more like a menstrual cramp in my lower stomach with a tightening in my whole belly. I decided to go back to sleep… or try to go back to sleep. The twinges kept coming. At 4am, I got out my phone to time them and discovered that they were coming at regular intervals and they continued to be painful. Not horribly painful, though. No more painful than a regular old cramp you would get during your period. I decided to let Chris sleep and to not contact Veronica or Patty just yet. There was no reason to wake everyone, especially if things were just going to fizzle out like they had so many times before.

At 6:30am, Chris woke up to get ready for work. I was still awake timing the twinges that were still coming at regular intervals— every 8-10 minutes, but only lasting about 30 seconds. I texted Patty and Veronica to let them know what was going on and to ask them if they thought Chris should go to work or not. I was so worried about having him stay home from work if I wasn’t truly in labor or if things were going to fizzle out again. They both thought that it would be a good idea for him to stay home. So, Chris was in charge of Logan when he woke up. I laid in bed for another hour and then got up to shower and get ready for the day. When I actually got up and started moving around, the twinges started coming more frequently (every 3-4 minutes) but they were still only lasting 30 seconds. I was having to stop what I was doing and breathe/sway to get through them, but was only feeling pain in my lower stomach and back, not all over like I felt with Logan. This is part of why I was in such denial about actually being in labor. With Logan’s labor, each contraction hurt my entire body, like a wave that would start at the top and flow over me… all the way to my toes. In between contractions, I was having to rest and prepare for the next contraction. This time it was just so different. They were minor. Not even that painful. And in between them I was going about my regular business like nothing was going on.

After my shower, I had some more bloody show. I also got a text from Patty to call her. We talked and decided to make a plan. We would stay at home for the morning and see where the contractions went. We would head to the birth center around noon to get checked and see what was going on and make another plan from there.

Around 9, we woke my sister and started packing Logan’s things. We decided to send Logue to Gramps and Gram’s house with Lauren in case things were actually going to happen. And also because I was worried about Logan stalling things out or getting scared if things intensified really quickly. I ate some breakfast— almond butter toast and eggs for the protein and played on the computer in between contractions, which were still coming every 3-4 minutes and only lasting 30 seconds.

At about 10:15, Veronica arrived at our house. We talked about what was going on. I was still having consistent contractions, but they were not intense. I had more bloody show. I was convinced that I was not actually in labor. I would have a contraction, and then go right back to talking and hanging out with Veronica and Chris… like nothing was even happening. I would stop for 30 seconds… breathe through it… and then go right back to cracking jokes and acting like a butthole.  We worked through some contractions on the birth ball and tried some different positions hoping that things would intensify. Chris turned on a playlist of music that Hima made for me. We hung out in the living room… me on the ball bouncing and doing circles to the music, Chris filming, and Veronica timing contractions. We decided to finish packing our bags so we could take them with us when we went to the birth center at noon.

At 11 we reevaluated and set out to go on a walk. The contractions would intensify while we were walking, but I was still able to walk, talk, and squat while having them. I was trying really hard to not feel frustrated that things weren’t picking up and was worried that I wasn’t actually *in labor* and that things would fizzle out like they had done several times before. We made plans to go to lunch after getting checked at the birth center and got the car loaded up with our stuff. I had some more bloody show before we left.

We arrived at Inanna at 12. I snapped a belly photo for my daily belly picture project:

We went inside and got settled in an exam room. I braced myself for bad news and tried to concentrate on what I was going to order when we went to lunch. Patty checked me. I was 7-8 centimeters and fully effaced. WHAT?? ARE YOU SERIOUS?? I just kept repeating in my head. “I’m already an 8!!! I’m already an 8!!! I’m already an 8!!!” I couldn’t believe it.

Could.

Not.

Believe.

It.

I started crying. Patty looked at me and said, “Go get settled into the birth room. We’re having a baby today!” This flood of relief washed over me as I could feel the anxiety leave my body. It was going to happen today. I didn’t have to worry about 42 weeks any longer. I didn’t have to worry about inconveniencing people. It was REALLY happening!

We moved into the room to get unpacked. Around 12:45 things got a little more intense but I was still cracking jokes and playing on my phone in between contractions. I had started a Facebook group message with a few of my biggest supporters during this pregnancy and updated them to let them know what was going on. I texted with Hima and sent her a picture. It totally didn’t feel like this was really happening, especially because I was still functioning in between the contractions. Chris took some photos of me laboring because we weren’t sure if the photographer was going to make it.

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Each woman who came to my Blessingway brought a bead that we strung together to make a birth necklace. They also wrote affirmations for me to read during labor. This was one of my favorites. “My baby and my birth; hands off!! (ha!!)”

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I continued to labor around the room with Chris and Veronica by my side. The photographer showed up. (I’m so thankful that he made it!) Things picked up. I read my birth affirmations. I focused on my birth beads. I started to get in the zone.

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At 1:35, I was read to get into the tub. Things were really starting to pick up and I knew the tub would help alleviate some of the pain. I was still concerned about labor stopping and things fizzling out. I remember asking my doula if we should set a time limit for the tub in case things started to slow down. I think I was still in denial that things were happening so quickly. She told me to just try to focus on relaxing. Best advice ever. I was working through the tough transition contractions in the tub. I would moan just like I did during Logan’s birth. Veronica was there by my side to remind me to relax and to not tense up. Chris was there to hold my hand.

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At 2:28 my water broke. Hilarity ensued. The pain intensified. I immediately felt like the baby was coming out of my butt and started announcing to everyone that I was pooping. I was yelling, “It hurts! Oh, it hurts!” and roaring as I tried like hell to poop or push that baby out. I was a frantic mess. Luckily, Patty’s calm words, Veronica’s reminders to relax my body, and Chris’ presence helped to calm me back down. But seriously, y’all. I almost lost it in that moment:

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After my brief loss of control, I refocused. Recentered. I started pushing. My legs cramped and arms hurt from holding myself up. He started crowning at 2:40. Once his head was all the way out, I reached down to pull him out. I tried. I tried SO hard to pull him out myself, but I couldn’t do it. Patty reached down and felt that his cord was wrapped around his neck. She ‘reduced it’ (moved it out of the way) and he slid out into her hands. She immediately placed him on my chest.

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I looked down at my new little guy. I was in shock. In shock that it went so quickly. In shock that it happened just about the way that we had planned. Just… in shock. I kept repeating “Oh my gosh… oh my gosh… oh my gosh.” I looked at him and said, “Hi baby! We did it!” and told him that he looked nothing like his brother. Patty left us alone to spend some time with the new guy while we waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsing. 

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Then the placenta started detaching while we were still in the tub. It happened more quickly that I thought it would. Chris got to cut the cord and then hold him while I got out of the tub and cleaned up. On an interesting note, I found out later that my placenta came out Dirty Duncan, or the maternal side up. This was different than Logan’s which came out shiny side up.

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After I got settled in the bed, Chris handed him back to me. We were able to spend some time together just the 3 of us.

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We then asked for our family to come in and meet him. They were all shocked at how fast it happened!

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Then Logan arrived to meet his little brother and it went much better than I expected. He was a little rambunctious, but you could see that he was truly excited for his new baby.

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We were given a little alone time. Veronica came to check in with me and to say goodbye. Chris got some additional footage for our video.

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Then it was time for the newborn exam while Chris and I ate some lunch. I was STARVING! (Thanks, Pop Pop for being our food delivery service again!) Baby was 8 lbs and 22 inches and completely healthy. We didn’t name him right away. We decided to take him home and get to know him before we settled on a name from our list.

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After I passed all of the birth center’s tests, we were released. We were home and on our couch snuggling with our new guy by 6pm. I remember sitting there still in shock by how fast it happened. We had just been at home like 6 hours ago… wondering if we were in labor and if things were really happening. Our families stopped by and brought us food and let Logan visit for a bit. After they left, we snuggled down in our bed for our first night with our sweet Atticus. <3

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All photos, unless otherwise noted, were taken by Ashley Langford Photography.